It’s been months, literally months since I’ve even considered writing a blog. If you follow me on social media you know that this past winter and spring have been a very dark, very hard season. Through the pain, heartbreak, hopes not yet fulfilled and my own decision to drown myself in a TV show that gave me nothing in return except filling what I felt were empty spaces in my heart.

I made a conscious decision that I didn’t want to feel, choosing not to care if the Holy Spirit was speaking to me, willing to not feel the emotions so deeply that, at times I wanted to drown myself in almost anything but them.

But God.

It’s a phrase that I’ve heard peppered in throughout my life, and yes, I’ve had “But God” moments. The past few months just haven’t felt anything like that.

But God.

Yep, there it is again. All throughout my drought, my driest of all dry seasons, my depression, my hurt… He never left.

Yes, I saw glimpses, had moments, but nothing lasted very long. Nothing that was until this evening. This evening I had several hours alone, and instead of drowning myself in said TV show, I chose to work on several projects that will remain nameless for now. But they in turn are pouring life, His life, into my dry heart.

In the middle of those pursuits, I ran across two radio interviews that my mom and I did for our ministry, Life Unwrapped. As I intently listened to those interviews I remembered who I was. A woman, strong and rooted in her faith. A mentor who drew others to God. An encourager. A prayer warrior. All those titles fit the woman being interviewed, not the woman listening. But you know what? Sometime during the course of the second interview, something switched on inside me. Something changed for the better. It was like a lightbulb was turned on.

And now, more than ever do I want God. It was like a passion was restored, renewed, refreshed.

Will I forget the woman who trudged through the last six months of life? Will I forget the pain, grief, hopelessness? Of course not. Do I want to forget it? Parts, yes. All, no. I don’t want to forget because God never gave up on me. He never walked away and wiped His hands of me.

Why in the world would I ever want to forget the light that shone at my feet so I wouldn’t stumble, or the hand that reached out for strength, or the steadfast prayers of family and friends? I don’t want to forget the feeling of depression because as long as I feel that, I have a renewed sense of passion for the kingdom. A renewed sense of purpose in my faith.

God is good and so, so faithful. Don’t you ever give up on Him, because He’ll never give up on you.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.
John 10:27-30 NIV